Stage is divided into two sections, Upper and Lower. The Upper section is labelled 'EARTH', the Lower 'HELL'. A sign between the two sections reads 'A Very Long Way'.

Scene 1. Hell. Enter ODIUS KREEP

ODIUS KREEP
Mandlebrot - come here!

Enter MANDLEBROT

MANDLEBROT
You screamed Your Evilness?

ODIUS KREEP
Give me your report on Cyril Band, British secret agent double 0 oh, oh, oh he makes me want to spit! (spits)

MANDLEBROT
Report Your Malevolence? Why would you want a report Oh Obnoxious One?

ODIUS KREEP
I've heard a nasty rumour that the accursed Band (spits) has been filled with the power of the Holy Spirit! Is this true?

MANDLEBROT
I will go and check Your Evilness.

ODIUS KREEP
My evilness doesn't need checking, it's in perfect working order! Tell Band that the Holy Spirit is not real.

MANDLEBROT
At once Hateful One, Bringer of Woe; your wish is my command Your Malignancy, to hear is to obey...

ODIUS KREEP
Get on with it!

EXIT MANDLEBROT. (Sound effect: footsteps fading away)

Scene 2. Earth. Enter Band carrying a very heavy weight.

CYRIL BAND
Hello. The name's Band, Cyril Band. British secret agent double 0 oh, oh, oh how good is the LORD! Excuse me but I have to do my excercises.

(Sound effect: The sound of running footsteps becoming louder.)
Enter MANDLEBROT panting.

MANDLEBROT
Good afternoon Herr Band. I hear someone's been telling you fairy tales about Pentecost and the power of the Holy Spirit?

CYRIL BAND
They're not fairy tales - according to the Bible, the gift of the Holy Spirit was promised long ago by the prophet Joel.

BAND picks up the weight and begins to pump iron.

MANDLEBROT
Surely you don't believe all that rubbish about having God's power living inside you... How do you do that?

CYRIL BAND
Don't call me Shirley! Actually God's power is available for anyone who puts their trust in Him - even you if you chose. Would you like to try?

MANDLEBROT
Hah! I don't need God's power! If you can do it so can I!

MANDLEBROT takes the weight from BAND and starts to lift it.

MANDLEBROT
See!

Mandlebrot begins to topple over.

MANDLEBROT
Curses!

Mandlebrot falls screaming. The sound of screaming gradually fades away.

CYRIL BAND
Pathetic isn't it?

Exit BAND.

Scene 3. Hell. 
(Sound effect: The sound of screaming gradually increasing in volume, followed by a loud crash.)
Enter MANDLEBROT.

MANDLEBROT
Hello? Hello? Is anybody there? Most Venomous One, I seek an audience. Are you there Oh my Fountain of all Decrepitude and Incompetence?

ODIUS KREEP
Don't push your luck! Tell me how you got on with (pause) Band? (spits)

MANDLEBROT
Not very well Your Balefulness. He quoted (pause) Scripture. (spits)

ODIUS KREEP
You snivelling half-wit! If they quote (pause) Scripture...(spits)
...then you must twist it to say something else! For badness sake don't let them see how simple it all is!

MANDLEBROT
But how Oh my Bane of all Virulence?

ODIUS KREEP
Tell him that he's not good enough - tell him anything! Just get him to doubt!

MANDLEBROT
Immediately Oh Excrementitious Pestilence, without delay it shall be...

ODIUS KREEP
...Now worm!

Exit MANDLEBROT to the sound of fading steps.
Exit ODIUS KREEP.

Scene 4. Earth. Enter BAND
(Sound effect: the sound of steps, increasing in volume.)
Enter MANDLEBROT panting.

CYRIL BAND
Well?

MANDLEBROT
I've forgotten.

Exit MANDLEBROT to the sound of steps decreasing in volume. Pause. There is the sound of steps increasing in volume.
Enter MANDLEBROT panting and gulping for air.

CYRIL BAND
Did you remember?

MANDLEBROT
Yes - it's not for now you know, not for the the likes of you anyway!

CYRIL BAND
What isn't?

MANDLEBROT
This power of the Holy Spirit thing. It was given to the early church just to get it started, but it's not for now, not for this age at all. And anyway, even if it was for this age, it would be reserved for special people, not ordinary people like you!

At the words 'ordinary people like you' MANDLEBROT should look around at the audience and emphasize the phrase in a nasty sneering voice.

CYRIL BAND
Oh really? That's funny because Scripture says; "Make love your aim, and earnestly desire the spiritual gifts, especially that you may prophecy".
Also;
"Now I want you all to speak in tongues, but even more to prophecy".

MANDLEBROT
Prophecy? You don't really believe that nonsense do you? You believe that you can look into the future? 

MANDLEBROT cackles in derision.

CYRIL BAND
Not necessarily, but I can tell you that top step is full of dry rot.

MANDLEBROT
Don't be ridiculous! It's as safe as houses - see!

MANDLEBROT jumps upon the top step. There is the sound of breaking wood, and MANDLEBROT falls screaming. The sound of screaming fades away as he falls.
Exit BAND.

Scene 5. Hell.
There is the faint sound of screaming. The sound becomes louder and ends with a loud crash.
Enter MANDLEBROT.

MANDLEBROT
This is ridiculous!

ODIUS KREEP's voice is heard from offstage.

ODIUS KREEP
What is?

MANDLEBROT
Now he's prophecying!

MANDLEBROT looks around for ODIUS KREEP.

ODIUS KREEP
Well frighten him then!

ODIUS KREEP pops into view.
MANDLEBROT jumps.

MANDLEBROT
How do I do that?

ODIUS KREEP
Talk about the risks. Tell him that as a child of God he must SUFFER!

MANDLEBROT
Oh yes! I shall enjoy that!

Exit MANDLEBROT and ODIUS KREEP to the sound of steps fading away.

Scene 6. Earth. 
Enter CYRIL BAND.

CYRIL BAND
(singing) "His Banner over me is Love".

Enter MANDLEBROT to the sound of steps becoming louder. He is gasping.

MANDLEBROT
You'll soon be playing a different tune Band!

CYRIL BAND
What? Oh it's you again. What is it this time?

MANDLEBROT
Have you thought how hard it is going to be to live a life that is truly led by the Spirit of God? How can you be sure that you won't get carried away and do something stupid or hurtful?

CYRIL BAND
Scripture says;
"The spirits of the prophets are subject to the prophets", 
it is also written;
"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and SELF CONTROL."

MANDLEBROT
Yes, yes, but what about the pain? Your book says that as a child of God you must SUFFER for your faith! How do you like the sound of that?

CYRIL BAND
The Bible also says this;
"I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the Glory that is to be revealed to us. For I am sure that neither life nor death, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

BAND pauses for breath.

CYRIL BAND
So why do you keep pestering me with your silly questions, when all I have to do is turn to the Word of God and I can cut the ground from right under your feet!

MANDLEBROT looks down, then looks at BAND, then at the audience.

MANDLEBROT
Curses!

MANDLEBROT falls back to Hell screaming.

THE END

Copyright © 1991-1995, 2006 Philip Saunders & Julian Tewkesbury,
The Singing Horse Puppet Theatre

This script is protected by copyright law. I believe however that this script is a blessing from God and is meant to be shared with others. Authorisation is given by the authors, Philip Saunders & Julian Tewkesbury, to print off this script for non-commercial use, provided that all material remains complete and intact in its original form. Reprinting for resale, in any form, is prohibited.