Scene One. A bare stage with a withered plant on one side, and a stone on the other.
Enter CYRIL BAND

CYRIL BAND
Good morning. The name's Band, Cyril Band. British Secret Agent Double 0, oh, oh, Old Etonian and darned proud of it. Today, God told me that this withered plant will flower and bear fruit again.

Enter OBERON MANDLEBROT

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Good morning. My name is Oberon Mandlebrot, sworn enemy of Cyril Band, British Secret Agent Double 0, oh, oh, Odious man! 
Mr. Band, I hear that you believe that this dead, withered plant will flower and bear fruit again.

CYRIL BAND
That is correct. I believe it because God has said so.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
But what if he didn't? What if you're just making it up? What if it's just wishful thinking? Why don't you forget this silly dead plant? Look, I've got something much more interesting. Wouldn't you like to own this splendid, long - lasting, jumbo - sized, extremely hard - wearing, substantial...

CYRIL BAND
...lump of stone.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
This is no ordinary lump of stone. This is a rock .... Band!

CYRIL BAND
I don't want a rock, I want a plant. Get off!

Both characters exit, End of scene 1.

Scene Two. Enter BAND.

CYRIL BAND
It has now been a week since God told me that this withered plant will flower and bear fruit again.

Enter MANDLEBROT, carrying a nettle.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Hah! Even God can't do that! Look, if you want a plant, try this instead.

CYRIL BAND
No thank you. I want this one. It will flower. Scripture says that with God, all things are possible. Besides, yours is not nearly as pretty as a flower, and it doesn't even smell nice!

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Oh no - you won't get me like that Band!

CYRIL BAND
I don't know what you mean.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
You were hoping I would sniff this nettle and sting my nose.

CYRIL BAND
Why? What does it smell like?

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Oh I don't know, a bit like...

MANDLEBROT sniffs the nettle

OBERON MANDLEBROT
...OW! Curses!

Exit MANDLEBROT.

CYRIL BAND
Pathetic really, isn't it?

Exit BAND.

Scene Three. Enter BAND.

CYRIL BAND
It has now been two weeks since God promised me that this withered plant would flower and bear fruit again.

Enter MANDLEBROT, carrying a balloon

OBERON MANDLEBROT
But what if God doesn't want to do that. After all, why should the mighty God be bothered with your puny little plant?

CYRIL BAND
God promised; and scripture says that he who promised is faithful. Think about Abraham. God cared about him, gave him a son, and from that insignificant man, the mighty God made a great nation!

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Oh that's just old stories. Listen, why don't you forget this silly plant. I've got something beautiful here.

CYRIL BAND
Does it smell nice?

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Absolutely! It's been showered with some really expensive perfume, some obscenely expensive perfume, and if that wasn't enough, a jumbo pack of toilet duck! What do you think?

BAND bursts the balloon with a pin.

Both characters exit.  End of scene 3

Scene Four. Enter BAND.

CYRIL BAND
It's been three weeks since God told me that this withered plant will flower and fruit again. Something is bound to happen soon or my name isn't Double O, oh, oh, Olympian intelligence, charm, wit, courage, strength, and overwhelming modesty.

Enter MANDLEBROT

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Oooh I hate that man! But this time I've got something that will fix agent Double O, oh, oh, overblown , pompous twit!
Hey Band - nothing's happened! Your God has let you down!

CYRIL BAND
Don't be so sure. Abraham had to wait many years before God's promise to him came true.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Yes, but what if it doesn't? You want your plant to bear fruit don't you? Well if it's fruit you want, why don't you try this instead?

MANDLEBROT produces a ball painted to look like an orange on one side. The other side is painted black with the word 'BOMB' in white letters. A lit sparkler is the fuse.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Little does he know that this innocent - looking orange is in fact a cunningly disguised bomb!

CYRIL BAND
Little does he know that I know that the innocent - looking orange is in fact a cunningly disguised bomb.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Little does he know that I know that he knows that this innocent - looking orange is in fact a cunningly disguised bomb.

CYRIL BAND
I know.

MANDLEBROT pushes the bomb towards Band.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
You want this orange.

BAND pushes the bomb back to MANDLEBROT

CYRIL BAND
No I do not.

MANDLEBROT pushes the bomb back to BAND.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Yes you do.

BAND pushes the bomb back to MANDLEBROT.

CYRIL BAND
No I do not.

MANDLEBROT pushes the bomb to BAND

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Yes you do.

BAND tries to pull the bomb further towards himself

CYRIL BAND
Yes I do.

MANDLEBROT pulls the bomb back 

OBERON MANDLEBROT
No you don't.

BAND pulls the bomb away from MANDLEBROT

CYRIL BAND
Yes I do.

MANDLEBROT pulls the bomb back 

OBERON MANDLEBROT
No you don't.

BAND pulls the bomb away from MANDLEBROT

CYRIL BAND
Yes I do.

MANDLEBROT pulls the bomb back 

OBERON MANDLEBROT
No you don't. Hah! Fooled you!

The bomb explodes. (The effect is achieved by letting off a party popper embedded in the bomb)

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Curses!

MANDLEBROT falls from sight, taking the remains of the bomb with him.

The plant flowers (Folded paper petals held inside the hollow stem of the plant can be pushed up from beneath by a stiff wire)

CYRIL BAND
All in a day's work for Cyril Band, secret agent Double 0, oh, oh, overpowering, overacting, overcoat from Harrods, £6.99 in the summer sale.

THE END 

Copyright © 1991-1995, 2006 Philip Saunders & Julian Tewkesbury,
The Singing Horse Puppet Theatre

This script is protected by copyright law. I believe however that this script is a blessing from God and is meant to be shared with others. Authorisation is given by the authors, Philip Saunders & Julian Tewkesbury, to print off this script for non-commercial use, provided that all material remains complete and intact in its original form. Reprinting for resale, in any form, is prohibited.