Exterior. Jerusalem. Daytime.
Enter CYRIL BAND wearing overcoat and wide brimmed hat (possibly dark glasses)

CYRIL BAND
Hello. The name's Band, Cyril Band. British Secret Agent double-0 oh oh oh what the heck! I'm here in Jerusalem cunningly disguised as an ordinary everyday innocent looking tourist type person; and I have just completed my most hazardous assignment yet. (Pause) To retrieve the secret of the Kingdom of God!

Enter OBERON MANDLEBROT carrying a cup

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Good morning. I may look like an everyday street merchant from downtown Jerusalem, but, beneath this disguise I am the great Oberon Mandelbrot, 
Oberon the despicable, Mandlebrot the sneak,
I love to cheat the trickable, And take advantage of the weak
Though the truth is I'm a coward, Right down to my liver
My heart's so black, when I pass by I make the gargoyles shiver!
Heh, heh heh! And I absolutely, positively hate him!  (points to Cyril)

CYRIL BAND
See that chap over there? No over to the left, yes that's him. The one who looks like an everyday street merchant from downtown Jerusalem. Well little does he know that I know
that he is really Oberon Mandlebrot, my sworn enemy.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Little does he know that I know that he knows that I am Oberon Mandlebrot, his sworn enemy, and little does he know that I know that he is carrying the secret of the Kingdom of God. With that knowledge he could become the most powerful person in the world. I can't allow that! He doesn't know it yet, but I plan to steal that secret from him.

CYRIL BAND
I know!

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Cooey! Mr ordinary everyday innocent looking tourist type person!
Fresh water for sale...lovely cool refreshing water!
Little does he know that I've drugged this drink.

CYRIL BAND
This should be fun!

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Water! Lovely fresh water! You sir! Would you like some water?

CYRIL BAND
Er... no!

OBERON MANDLEBROT
But it's a hot dry day! Surely you must be thirsty?

CYRIL BAND
No I'm not! And don't call me Shirley! Anyway the LORD JESUS said "Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water I shall give him will never thirst; the water that I shall give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to 
eternal life."
John 4: 13 & 14.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Are you sure you're not thirsty?

CYRIL BAND
Absolutely! But I agree it is hot.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Yes. Phew! It sure is!

CYRIL BAND
Are you thirsty?

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Of course I'm thirsty! It's a hot dry day.

CYRIL BAND
I see. Well - uhm - why not take a small drink then?

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Mmnn! Good idea! Yes I don't mind if I do...

MANDLEBROT drinks from his cup. He pauses, smacks his lips, and looks down at the cup. He then looks at the audience, back at the cup, across to CYRIL BAND, back down at the cup, and finally looks at the audience again.
OBERON MANDLEBROT
...Curses!

MANDLEBROT collapses and falls below the stage

CYRIL BAND
Pathetic really isn't it?

Exit BAND
THE NEXT DAY 
Enter MANDLEBROT

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Curses! Curses! A thousand curses on that Cyril Band. But he won't 
foil me now. I'll take that secret from him or his name isn't double-0 oh 
oh oh I hate that man!

Enter BAND. MANDLEBROT jumps and points his hand at BAND

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Stretch Band!

CYRIL BAND
Hello Mandlebrot. Why are you pointing your hand at me?

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Say your prayers Band, and hand over the secret. This finger is loaded!

CYRIL BAND
I don't believe you.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
It is see!

MANDLEBROT shoots (Sound effect - A loud bang)

CYRIL BAND
Hah! Well you've used it now, so I have nothing to fear.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
That's where you're wrong Band. This is a special two shot finger - see!

MANDLEBROT shoots again (Sound effect - A loud bang)

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Er - bye bye!

Exit MANDLEBROT

CYRIL BAND
Faith triumphs once again. All in a day's work for agent double 0 oh oh oh what a beautiful morning! Oh what a beautiful day! I got a beautiful feeling, everything's going my way!

Exit CYRIL BAND.
THE NEXT DAY.
Enter CYRIL BAND carrying a newspaper.
Enter MANDLEBROT

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Psst!

CYRIL BAND
Eh! Wha...! Who's that?

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Psst!

CYRIL BAND
How do you spell it?

OBERON MANDLEBROT
You have something I want Cyril Band. Perhaps you might be interested in some kind of deal?

CYRIL BAND
I doubt it. What could you possibly have that I might want?

OBERON MANDLEBROT
How about an 18 wheel articulated lorry full of last year's diaries, in hardback!

CYRIL BAND
No!

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Then what about a solar powered whoopee cushion?

CYRIL BAND
No!

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Oh alright. You drive a hard bargain! All of that plus the very latest
alloy frame mountain bike for your goldfish?

CYRIL BAND
Oooh! 15 speed?

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Absolutely!

CYRIL BAND
Er...no!

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Very well then. You leave me no choice! If you do not relinquish the secret of the Kingdom of God, then I will reveal all your failings to the world!

CYRIL BAND
You have nothing on me Oberon Mandlebrot! Yours is an empty threat.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Oh really! Then how would you like the world to know that you regularly pick your nose while travelling home on the number 7 bus!

CYRIL BAND
I could live with it.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Well what do you think your admirers would say if they knew that the great Cyril Band was once caught kissing Veronica Dribblethwaite. 

CYRIL BAND
Go ahead and tell them. I do not care!

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Then what if I were to tell the world that on the 17th October 1967 you cheated in a Sunday School test!

CYRIL BAND
You cad sir! You wouldn't tell them that!

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Try me! Heh, heh, heh.

CYRIL BAND
Even if you do talk, you are forgetting that scripture says; "If we say we have no sin we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1: 8&9.

OBERON MANDLEBROT
Oh this is hopeless! Nothing works! I've tried tricks, threats, bribery and blackmail. What does it take to make him let go!

CYRIL BAND
Nobody gets the better of agent double 0, oh, oh ...

CYRIL BAND and OBERON MANDLEBROT sing
"Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plains
Where the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet And the wind comes right behind the rain..."

Band and MANDLEBROT end up cheek by jowl. When they stop singing MANDLEBROT pulls away. 

OBERON MANDLEBROT
(out of breath) All right Band, I give in. But at least tell me why, why, why you are so determined not to let go of your secret?

CYRIL BAND
It's simple really! No-one can take this secret from me, (pause) because I intend to give it away! Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Son of God raised from the dead! Jesus can live in your heart! Read all about it! Extra! Extra!

MANDLEBROT bashes his head on the stage in despair.

THE END

Copyright ©  1991-1995, 2006 Philip Saunders & Julian Tewkesbury,
The Singing Horse Puppet Theatre

This script is protected by copyright law. I believe however that this script is a blessing from God and is meant to be shared with others. Authorisation is given by the authors, Philip Saunders & Julian Tewkesbury, to print off this script for non-commercial use, provided that all material remains complete and intact in its original form. Reprinting for resale, in any form, is prohibited.